Grief Isn't a Lesson -- It's Just Grief: My Thoughts On Spiritual Bypassing In the Spiritual & New Age Communities

As a tarot reader, and someone who’s sought psychics, mediums, and intuitive guidance for years — nothing grinds my gears more than when a fellow “enlightened” spiritual worker drops one of these lines:

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“It’s all a lesson or a blessing.”

“You chose this before you incarnated.”

Let me stop you right there, babe.

You’re not enlightened — you’re spiritually bypassing, and that look?
It does not look good on you. 🙅‍♀️✨

And I say this with love, because I was once that type of tarot reader. Before my mental breakdown/psychosis episode in 2010, which cracked my soul open, I genuinely believed those well-meaning phrases were comforting. I didn't realize they were doing more harm than good, and perhaps even making some people angry.

And to be honest, I've used most of these phrases myself to invalidate my pain and suffering. To "positive think" my way out of grief and trauma. To spiritually gaslight myself into silence. But pain doesn't just disappear. It still lives inside your body, even if you reframe it.

Sometimes when I read tarot, messages come through that feel…cliché. Stuff like “This too shall pass,” or “look at the bright side.” And I get it — we live in a culture that’s uncomfortable with trauma, grief, and loss. We don’t know how to sit with suffering. As Megan Devine writes in her book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand * , we’re emotionally illiterate.

We were told that pain equals transformation, that grief follows a clean, upward path, and that everything will eventually be honkey dory and peachy keen.

Spoiler alert: it won’t always be.

And that’s okay.

I want to change the narrative — in my readings, in my practice, and in how I hold space for others.

Right now, I’m navigating anticipatory grief. My dad is 74. He’s been the head of our household and our rock for my whole life. Watching his health decline feels like grieving my dad’s youth, my youth, and the way life “used to be” — all at once. And I’m realizing… this isn’t something I can tarot-card my way out of. This isn’t something I can “reframe.” This is something I have to feel.

Recently, I got my first library card in over 20 years (a soft little milestone in the middle of all this). I checked out Megan Devine’s book after a friend recommended it — and I’m only on Section One, but already? It’s changing everything.

One quote hit me so hard, I want to carry it with me for life:

"Being brave is about waking to face what is when you would rather just stop waking up. Being brave is being present to your own heart when that heart is shattered into a million different pieces and can never be made right. Being brave is standing at the edge of the abyss opened in someone's life and not turning away from it, not covering your discomfort with a pithy "think positive" emoticon. Being brave is letting pain unfurl and take up all it needs. Being brave is telling that story. It's terrifying. And it's beautiful. Those are the stories we need." 

That’s the tarot reader I want to be.

One who doesn’t rush your pain.

One who sits with you in the dark and says: “You’re not broken. You’re just grieving.”

And maybe…that’s enough.

And with the state of the world as it is now, we don't need more positive thinking or toxic positivity. We need kindness — with ourselves and each other. We need our communities now more than ever. We require people to sit in the dark and listen with us, not just hear, but listen.

I will continue to blog about going through anticipatory grief and eventually, grief in losing someone I love, hoping it will help others navigate challenging times. Only I will put a tarot spin on it. I'll create journal prompts, tarot spreads, tarot prompts, and provide resources that help me.

As my friend, editor, and life coach, Lauralyn Kearney says, the spiritual and the New Age communities are not very trauma and grief-informed. Their limited scope cannot truly help others. A lot of them are grifters who just want your money and don't care about how you are feeling deep down. They try to place a band-aid over a wound that will unfortunately never heal. 

Unless someone has walked through grief themselves — really sat in the fire — they rarely know how to help others who are burning.

Grief, trauma, and loss change us.

But not always for the positive. And that’s not a failure — that’s just the truth.

And we, as spiritual workers, need to embrace this truth, not run away from it.

If you’ve ever felt bypassed, silenced, or spiritually gaslit during your pain — I see you.
 

You are not alone.

Your grief doesn’t need to be inspiring. It just needs to be witnessed.

You don’t have to face the hard stuff alone — I’ll be right here, honoring the silence with you. I won’t offer a silver lining. Just presence. Just truth. Just the sacredness of being real. I don’t have all the answers, but I’ll hold the cards — and the space — while we ask the real questions, together.

* This link is NOT an affiliate link! I receive $0 for your purchase of this book!